I have been working with the intention of opening my heart to receive. This work has involved a lot of healing that has happened in phases as I’ve been ready to release pain, stories and trauma one layer at a time. Each layer I heal reveals a new level of understanding along with it. 

Just this morning as I sat in meditation, I felt a twinge in my heart and had the realization that I’ve been unconsciously blocking myself from receiving because of my stories around inadequacy and worthiness. My heart was telling me that the universe has been bountifully providing for me all along and if I would gracefully accept instead of insisting that I didn’t deserve it, I would come into alignment with what I have been longing for.

You see, I have this amazing husband and partner who is incredibly successful in his career. He is one of those people who is good at whatever he does. Over the years I’ve watched him work really hard and develop his skills and talents to a world class level. I admire him greatly. He is a fantastic provider and takes really good care of our family and our financial needs. I am incredibly grateful for him and to him. That being said, learning to be comfortable with our roles has not been easy for me. 

I’ve struggled around deserving to be so well provided for without feeling less than or like I have to do something to deserve it. Questions like, am I contributing enough? or, if I had to, would I be able to provide for myself and our kids? come up in my mind. This feeling of needing to prove myself has impeded my ability to receive. 

When I became pregnant with our first child at 18, I remember thinking to myself, I have to prove to everyone that I’m not a lost cause and I can still make something of my life. This thought drove me to achieve and although it was effective at getting me through college, it didn’t actually make me feel worthy. Once I reached my goal, all I had was a piece of paper and a whole lot of anger.

As I sat in my meditation, I reflected on how many times I’ve unconsciously blocked myself from receiving. This need to prove myself and my worthiness has plagued me my entire adult life causing me to reject the gifts that have been sitting at my doorstep and convincing me that I need to work a whole lot harder.

I carried these thoughts with me as I got myself ready for the day thinking I’ll come back to this later today and do some energy clearing work around it to release this twinge in my heart. I finished getting ready and jumped on a call with a friend and fellow healer. She had offered to walk me through her process. I didn’t know what to expect from the call and was holding my intention to receive. 

It never ceases to amaze me how beautifully the universe orchestrates things together. The entire call ended up being a clearing session for 18 year old me to release the negative programming around that whole incident. I was so grateful to have someone hold the space for me to release those blocks so I could rewrite my story and see myself in a more empowered way. 

Me now, a 43 year old mother of 3, sat and wept as I held me then, scared 18 year old Heather, and told her that everything was going to turn out just fine. I told her that she was an incredibly strong and tenacious woman who would raise 3 incredibly strong and tenacious children of her own. 

I also got to reflect on how grateful I was to have received so much support and generosity from my parents. They were there for me and helped us to raise our first born until she was 2 years old so I could go to college.

While things in my life have not always gone the way I expected, I sure am happy with how they’ve turned out. Today, I got to reclaim a part of myself I closed off 25 years ago and cracked my heart open to receive a new layer of healing. It’s never too late to rewrite the stories of your past and reclaim your power.