14. Seeing My Patterns & Working Through Blocks
Aug 14, 2024
ON THIS EPISODE
This week's episode is going to be pretty personal. I'm going to be talking about some things that I've currently been moving through and some epiphanies that I've had as I've worked to move through some pretty big blocks I've had around this particular pattern that's been playing out in my life. So I woke up Sunday morning with an epiphany.
I had just gone through a really stressful week where I was trying my hardest to find the lesson in my struggle. I could see a pattern was clearly playing out, but I couldn't for the life of me understand why. What was it that I was doing that was creating this situation in my life over and over again?
The night before, I was hanging out with a friend who also happens to be my accountability buddy. We often talk through our challenges together as a way to help one another see different perspectives. She's familiar with the current goings on of my life, and so I post the same question to her.
What was it that I wasn't seeing? She didn't have an answer for me, which is fine because really it was my question to answer. And apparently my subconscious mind had gone to work on it that night, and I woke up feeling a palpable shift.
The perspective I was seeking had landed. To give you some insight into my situation, the pattern I kept repeating was one of being owed money and having the person either flat out refuse to pay me, delay the payment, and or in some way give me the runaround. Over the past two years, this pattern has played out with four different characters and all in large sums of money, while I personally have been struggling financially.
Each time this has happened, I've felt at the mercy of the debtor, worried about how I was going to make ends meet, and knowing that receiving this payment would ensure that I could pay my rent the following month. You see, I just finalized a very costly drawn out divorce that took over two years and upwards of $50,000 in lawyers fees to complete. This whole situation has put a real strain on my finances.
I will be the first to admit that I very much felt like a victim through most of this time. It's been a trying couple of years that's forced me to face my fears and ultimately see where I've given away my power. First, there is my neighbor whose pit bull attacked me and my dog while we were out for a walk one evening.
I ended up in the emergency room with stitches and my dog also needed stitches requiring several costly visits to the vet. He agreed to pay our medical expenses, but when the time came, gave me a story about how his son had expensive soccer tournaments coming up and he didn't have all the money. He didn't want to file a claim on his homeowner's insurance to reimburse me because then his rates would go up.
Then he blamed me for the whole incident stating that we shouldn't have been out walking after dark. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How was any of this my problem?
Flabbergasted and wanting the confrontation to be over, I agreed to give him more time and we set up a payment plan. Then every month for the next three months, I had to reach out to him to remind him to actually pay me.
Then there was the woman who reached out to me to provide human design readings for her coaching clients, and agreed to pay me 30 days in arrears.
I was excited for the opportunity and agreed to her proposal. I completed the readings for the clients she sent my way and I sent her the invoices like she requested. A month went by and no payment was received. So I sent the invoices again and proceeded to wait another month. Still no payment. So I texted her to let her know I'd emailed invoices.
No response. Another month went by and I emailed invoices and texted her to let her know it had been sent. Finally, I got a response from her saying she would pay me that day. Relieved, I waited for the payment to come in. Still nothing. Another month went by and I'd had it with her.
So I texted her to let her know that I was in a bad financial situation and was counting on that money in order to pay my rent. Finally, she responded and sent the payment.
Next, my landlord reached out to me to let me know he wanted to sell the house we were renting and offered to pay my moving expenses if we were to vacate within 45 days. I'd been thinking about moving in the near future anyhow, so I agreed to his generous offer.
He drafted up a contract laying out our agreement that we both signed. I proceeded to move within the agreed upon timeframe and went back to reread the contract to see when he would be paying me. It turns out that one small detail was left out.
I sent him a message asking him when I could expect to receive the payment. He promised he would have it to me within three weeks when he would be flying up to walk through the place and prep it to put it on the market.
Well, that day came and went and no payment was received, nor any message from him. So, I reached out asking if he'd had a chance to look at the house yet. He'd said he had to cancel his trip because his wife had fallen and fractured her elbow and he needed to stay home to help take care of her and their kids.
Okay, fine. He said he'd be coming up the next weekend instead. That weekend came and went and still no word from him. I messaged him again asking if he'd been up to look at the house. This time he claimed he had to cancel his trip because he'd thrown his back out. Um, okay, I thought.
Is he just blowing smoke at my ass? Does he not actually have the money? Is this all just a bunch of delay tactics?
Either way, there's nothing I could do about it. So I asked him what the new date would be. He responded that he wouldn't be flying up anymore, but would have his real estate agent do the walkthrough on his behalf in another couple of weeks.
Well, that date came and went, and still no payment and no message from him. Now, I was at my breaking point and ready to report him to the housing bureau. I reached out again and told him time was up. He needed to pay me now, to which he responded that he would send half that day and the other half the next day. And much to my surprise, he actually did.
Finally, my now ex-husband, who has been court-ordered to pay me spousal support due to the settlement agreement we reached in our divorce, is flat out refusing to do so because he doesn't agree with how our tax situation for a final year of joint filing was ruled to be handled.
This issue has yet to be resolved and will likely end up before a judge. In the meantime, the monthly support that I was counting on to cover my monthly expenses is being held hostage. Needless to say, this issue has been wearing on me.
After much reflection, I noticed that financial security ranks very highly in my values, and having people actively owe me money that they are not repaying me has caused me to feel like they held some sort of power over me. I have felt helpless in these situations. I have kept up my end of the bargain and extended time and consideration in each of these situations.
Meanwhile, I have been stressed as fuck wondering how I am going to make ends meet. So far, I have been fine, and my needs have been provided for in one way or another. But this has tested my resolve greatly.
I have determined that there was a difference between having a lack mindset and lack circumstances. Because sometimes, no matter how much you focus on having an attitude of abundance, you're just plain broke. I trusted that I would be okay, and I have been. But still, why was this pattern playing out over and over?
I decided to look at my money story a little deeper. What were my beliefs around money? Why did I keep having this experience and feeling like these people had power over me?
Then it hit me. I actually have several blocks that I'm working through simultaneously.
First, I've had to come to a place where I now understand that money isn't what gives me security. Only I can give that to myself. No matter how much money I have, I can still feel insecure, like it will all be taken away. And I've even been through that scenario.
The second block is around allowing people to take advantage of me. Being too afraid to stand up and confront them to demand what I'm owed. Feeling so much pressure to remain nice and wanting people to like me and think well of me has been a desire that I've put over my own real need to get paid.
My fear of conflict has kept me agreeable to the point where I've overextended myself and let people get away with taking advantage of me. And it's allowed me to put myself in a place of detriment because of it.
And finally, the other thing at play here was around this subtle belief that I don't have what it takes to be financially responsible for myself. This is a sneaky one. You see, I had my first baby at 19 before I was ready to be a mom.
My parents agreed to help me out if I kept her. I obliged and they supported us both until I got married. I ended up marrying the father of my child who also promised to financially provide for me and our family.
There was a lot of manipulation in our relationship around money. We ended up starting a business together that we were 50-50 owners of. But to save money in payroll taxes, he thought it best if only he took payroll and just gave me an allowance despite the fact that I too worked in the business.
This went on for years and caused a lot of conflict between us. It didn't feel fair that I wasn't compensated for my work and was left to count on him to give me what he thought I deserved. Eventually, we split up, and he moved across the country, leaving me with an entire household of expenses.
This is when he finally agreed to allow me to take an equal amount of payroll from our business. We ended up reconciling a year later, and the financial manipulation started again. He didn't think I deserved to be earning as much as him.
Despite the fact that I was an equal owner, he insisted on making all the financial decisions, giving himself the upper hand in all situations. When we initially split, I decided that it would be prudent for me to start my own business, so that I wouldn't have to be reliant on him. Well, it takes time to bring a business into profitability, and the first years require a lot of upfront investment.
He demanded that I pay all my own business expenses for my personal earnings, despite the fact that I had bankrolled the launch of the business we started together by cashing in my IRA. I began to notice just how controlling he was over the finances. Now, he would give himself way more leniency than he gave me.
I finally got up the courage to start calling him on it, and the arguments began. This is when I started to see the writing on the wall. He didn't actually value me. He just went stringing me along and finances were not the only area in our relationship where this was happening. I'd had it. I chose to end the relationship and walk away.
I told him he could keep the business, but he would have to buy me out. At least then, I'd get the capital I needed to launch my own enterprise into the world. We went through an intense divorce where you played all sorts of dirty tricks, and we ended up settling at a court.
I was satisfied. Now, I would finally be compensated for all the years of free labor I gave him that set him up quite comfortably. Then, he just decided to stop paying. That's when I realized he still had power over me. The universe has been trying to get me to step up and change my story. I need to be the one I count on.
I've struggled so much with confidence, and I see this as the push I've needed to really go for it. Somewhere deep inside of me, I've known all along that it would take me coming into a desperate situation in order for me to break through. If I'm comfortable, I'll give myself too many excuses.
Well, the excuses have run out. Here I am, and it's working. I'm motivated as fuck. I felt a palpable shift in my energy. It's do-or-die time. There is no more room for self-doubt.
I have to overcome my own barriers to success. These days, I've been really focused on keeping my energy high. I've stopped smoking weed. I've been doing kundalini yoga most mornings. When I feel scared or anxious about something, I tap it out with EFT. I've been praying to Spirit for the motivation and drive to keep going.
Every time I feel self-doubt creeping, I nip it in the bud and do the thing I'm resisting. This is about showing myself I have what it takes and doing the work to get there. I know now my success is inevitable. I don't know when or how, but it will happen when it's meant to. And this is all just a part of my story. I'm determined now to save myself.
After all, that's what life is all about. If we are on a path of growth, at some point, we are all faced with the circumstances that give us the opportunity to break through our own barriers and save ourselves. I don't know how the story ends yet, but I am feeling inspired and encouraged to keep moving through it.
If you're going through a similar experience, or one where you're having to learn how to show up for yourself, or recognizing that there's an area of your own life where you need to take radical responsibility, I hope this inspires and motivates you to keep moving forward and to see it through. That's all I have for you today. Thank you so much for joining me.
From High Vibe Heather: 14. Seeing My Patterns & Working Through Blocks, Aug 14, 2024
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
If you have questions or feedback, I'd love to hear from you. You can DM me on Instagram @high.vibe.heather.
