33. So That's What it Means to Surrender
Jan 08, 2025
ON THIS EPISODE
Hello, and welcome to another episode of the High Vibe Heather Podcast. It's the second week of January, so welcome to 2025. I hope you had a lovely holiday season, happy New Year.
And if you are somebody who sets New Year's resolutions, intentions, goals, whatever you like to call them, this episode is going to be along that vein. And some new things that I have been working with, as I kind of re-imagine how I look at goals and intentions, manifestations, resolutions, whatever you want to call them. So what has most recently been informing my viewpoint on this is a book I recently read, called Existential Kink.
I read this book a couple of months ago. It was a book that a friend of mine had recommended to me over and over again for about two years before I actually bought it. Holy shit, this book is profound.
And it's made me honestly rethink my entire approach to life. So, confession here, I am someone who actually really struggles with goals. And I've hated setting them because I knew inevitably I wouldn't follow through, and then I'd just be disappointed in myself.
Maybe you've had this experience too. And as I think about it, you know, goals to me have some sort of like deadline to them. Like there's a specific timeframe in which you will meet this objective.
And if you don't, then your goal has failed. And I just really hate that. Like, I don't like failing.
Like who does? So the way that I kind of tricked myself into setting goals is I rewarded them as manifestations. And this changed something for me and how I perceived objectives by giving me some more control over it.
Because when I look at something as a manifestation rather than a goal, it's open-ended. And there is no like deadline or timeframe in which it has to happen. Instead it's just like something that I want to experience or achieve or have.
And it's just a matter of then aligning myself with the reality of what it would be to do or be or have that thing. And then it's just a part of me that I can tweak in order to get it. And when I look at it that way, okay, it's about just adjusting different parts of myself in order to be in alignment with what I want.
So in that way, it makes me feel more in the driver seat. Okay, so I've been operating under that way of looking at things for probably the last seven years. When I really learned about what manifestation was, it kind of reignited the drive in me to want to accomplish things, because the whole world word goal kind of killed it for me where I was just like, forget it, whatever.
No, I don't want to be a failure. Well, this book opened me up to an entirely new part of the equation that I previously was unaware of. And it's helped me to understand more deeply the energetics around having what I want.
So, this book talks about your havingness level, as in H-A-V-I-N-G, havingness, or the level of experience that you are willing to allow yourself to have before there's a part of you that says, that's it, that's all I can handle, and then you somehow sabotage it. Which, by the way, I'm kind of familiar with. I know it sounds crazy, because of course we all think we want to be super successful and have a ton of resources at our disposal and be wildly loved.
And perhaps that's true, that we really do want all of that, in part. But there's another part to each of us, and that's our unconscious. And the unconscious is the part that's really running the show.
So then the trick becomes to make the unconscious conscious, so that you can understand the whole story and your true motivations and why it seems like some things are forever just out of reach. So according to this book, we incarnated onto this planet to have the whole of the human experience. So that's the good, the bad, and the ugly.
But our egos have tricked us into thinking that we are only here for the good. And so when something happens that we don't perceive as good, then we think there's something wrong, and we judge that part of ourselves. And oh my god, something's, this is bad, and I'm bad, and this needs to stop, and something else needs to happen.
So what she goes on to say is that by accepting that there's a part of us that actually loves the struggle, we can take the charge out of that oh-so-naughty hidden desire. So the premise here is that we each have some sort of forbidden kink around experiencing not-so-great things in our lives. And it's only through recognizing and allowing this kinky part of you to exist that you then set yourself free of it.
And by setting yourself free of it, you then have space to allow yourself to have a different experience. Maybe you're familiar with the saying, what you resist persists. Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about here.
You know, if we are forever saying, no, that's bad, that's wrong, I don't want that. And we're denying these experiences and circumstances that are happening in our lives. We are actually just calling them in over and over and over again, because there's a part of us that wants to have the experience.
And by not accepting and allowing it, by resisting it, it's going to persist until it's accepted and allowed. And at that point that it's accepted and allowed, that will just dissipate and won't feel the need to continue on. Okay, so there's this one thing that the author Carolyn Elliott says in the book that really got to me.
Having is evidence of wanting. Hmm, really? So you're saying that this shitty circumstance that I find myself in over and over again is because there's a part of me that actually wants it?
I was honestly quite offended by that statement. Until I tried it on, this is what that looks like. Okay, so there's a part of me that really enjoys being manipulated and used and abused.
Hmm, how about there's a part of me that secretly gets off on being put out and being a martyr? Or try, there's a sadistic part of me that likes being lied to and cheated on. And that's just how you do it.
You take all of the shitty circumstances that have happened in your life and you try them on for size. And you see what creates an emotional charge in you. Once you find the charge, you've found your kink.
And believe me, we can have more than one kink. So because emotions exist on a spectrum, that fear that you think you're feeling may actually be excitement. That anger may really be passion.
The point is that emotional charge is letting you know that you've touched on something. And when you breathe into it and allow it to be fully felt, you get off on it. And then the feeling dissipates.
She describes getting off as having an emotional release, which may or may not be orgasmic in nature. Once you feel the feelings of it, you can no longer deny it. So I have been trying this all on for the past couple of months, reminding myself in the midst of less than perfect moments that having is evidence of wanting, and then asking myself what part of me secretly wants this.
What am I getting from this? Let me tell you, it has not been easy, but it sure has been healing. Instead of always striving for something better, as in life is some kind of reward and punishment system, I'm learning that it's about accepting and allowing what is to actually just be there.
And I think that's what it means to surrender. And surrender is definitely something I've struggled with as well, as in, what does it actually mean? Do nothing?
Stop trying? Because I can't seem to make myself do that. It turns out it's not about giving up.
It's about giving over. Giving over my ideas and expectations of how I think it ought to be, and the timeline in which it ought to happen. It's allowing things to unfold as they will, accepting the present circumstances of my life without making them wrong, without making myself wrong.
And that's been the most healing part of all. I'm not wrong for having the experiences that I've had. I'm not flawed because things haven't happened in the timeline or way that I thought they should.
We all have our specific areas in life in which we uniquely struggle. We all have things that we long for and feel like we have to work extra hard to get. But do we actually have to work hard to get them?
Or do we simply have to love ourselves where we are with what we have before we get to experience something else? As someone who's worn out from all the striving, my motto now is work smarter, not harder. And if that's what surrender is asking of me, I'm all for it.
So I highly recommend the book Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott. And I'll tell you, it's kind of out there, but then again, so am I. So if you're into witchy, magical things, then it'll be right up your alley.
And even if you're not, it may give you a new perspective on life and an invitation to see things a little differently. So either way, such a good read, very eye-opening, very permissioning, I would say, of life itself, of being human. You know, we have this idea that our egos, you know, that if it's not what we think should be happening, that it's bad, that we should only have good experiences, and that's not what it is to be human.
That's not life. Life is all. It's experiencing it all.
And to think that we are just here for the good really diminishes life itself. So on that note, that's all I have for you today. Thank you.
KEY POINTS COVERED
- the difference between goal setting and manifesting according to me
- just how kinky you really are
- the meaning of the word surrender
RESOURCES MENTIONED
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Existential Kink, Elliot, Carolyn.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
If you have questions or feedback, I'd love to hear from you. You can DM me on Instagram @high.vibe.heather.
