36. Reframing Adversity: what to do when you feel defeated

ON THIS EPISODE

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the High Vibe Heather Podcast. I'm your host, Heather. And today, I am going to be talking about something I've been moving through in my own personal journey.

You know, as we move through challenges in life, obstacles, uncomfortable circumstances, difficulties, challenges, you know, these things that we would prefer not to have to face, but really are inevitable and cannot be avoided. The older that I have gotten, the more evidence that I have accumulated through my own personal experience. The more I'm willing and able to see how each of these challenges is really presenting as an opportunity for me to make a shift, make a change for my own personal growth and evolution.

When I am able to shift my perspective, to reframe what I am moving through, whatever that challenge may be, it shifts my whole experience of it. It gives me this ability to become curious around it and to begin to mine the experience for what specifically it is trying to show me, what it is trying to teach me, what the opportunity for change and growth lies within it. I don't know if you can relate to this.

For my own personal experience, it feels like these things happen in waves, where it's like a bombardment of all of the challenges that I personally have. All of these areas in my life where I need to grow, all come in at once. And it's like this storm, a perfect storm of like, hey, we are bringing you, as when I say we, the universe, the universe is bringing me a wake up call of like, you are becoming stuck and stagnant and like, wake up.

We are giving you this opportunity to up level, to shift the way that you experience your life, to move towards the things that you say you want to have. But are not moving fast enough to receive. And these are your obstacles.

This is your personal roadmap to getting what you want to get. And by moving through these obstacles, through these challenges, facing these really difficult circumstances, you have an opportunity to grow and to heal in some really profound ways. So what I've noticed is, you know, each of these challenges, they bring up a specific fear inside of me, something that I have been resisting, avoiding, not wanting to face, because I haven't felt ready to.

I haven't felt like I've yet had what it takes to meet these confrontations head on. And so I noticed my own pattern of, like, how do I say it?

Instead of really going in and getting at the root and working to resolve things, I kind of sweep them under the rug or do the minimum that I can do to kind of make it go away for a while. But then it just keeps coming back. And every time it comes back, it's this opportunity to face it again, to really confront it, to go a level deeper than I could before, than I had the courage or the strength or the perspective to take it a level deeper.

And so in this episode, I'm going to be talking about how I have found a way to reframe adversity for myself as like a step-by-step guide on what to do when you feel defeated. Noticing my own patterns, like when an obstacle comes to me, when I am faced with adversity, when life is not going the way that I want it to, I have this tendency to shut down. And personal goal of mine has been to live with an open heart.

Because I know that when I can stay turned onto life, rather than shutting myself down, that's when I get to experience the fullness of life. So this really has been my journey of relaxing into the unknown, of allowing myself to be with what is, of accepting the reality of my circumstances, and staying tuned in to them, staying turned on in life, instead of this resisting and avoiding and hiding from fear of what it is that I have been running from. So I know that I am not alone in this, and that I have been experiencing some really challenging times in my personal life.

I mean, we don't have to look far to witness devastating circumstances happening all around us every day, from natural disasters to, you know, injustices to people being faced with extreme loss. Like, this is a really potent time to be alive. And maybe that's just reality, always.

But I feel like on a collective level, there is a lot of energy moving to get us all as individuals to face our fears, to move through our challenges, to become more empowered. And so I want to share with you what's been working for me, how I have been holding myself through these challenges in hopes of giving you a reframe. A new perspective and some new ways of moving through your own challenges.

So whether you are moving through big changes that are rocking your world or experiencing adversity and seeking to understand why things are not going your way or you're in a situation that's beyond your control and has left you feeling completely helpless. Taking a step back in order to see the bigger picture has really helped me to not take things so personally. So in the past, I have felt like when adversity has come up for me, it's been a form of punishment from the universe, like a cosmic spanking for fucking up.

And when I held that perspective, it made it easy for me to then turn on myself and punish myself, to go into this place of feeling sorry for myself, and kind of lost in my own personal struggle, closing me off from what's going on in the rest of the world. Going into this place where I've really shut myself down and shut myself out, and recognizing being in that space isolates me from support, from connection, from being of service to anyone else, which are things that are highly valuable to me, things, experiences that I want to have. So by me looking at things from that perspective of being punished and going into that mode of self-pity, it keeps me from having these experiences that I say I want.

It keeps me from receiving what I say I want. So it's taken me some time, countless cycles of obstacles and challenges, to begin to understand my own patterns and to trust that adversity is actually an opportunity for me. Given that change is the only constant in life, no matter how uncomfortable it is, there is no doubt that it forces us to grow.

And when we resist change, we only prolong our own suffering. Something that I've noticed is that for me personally, when an issue keeps repeating itself, each time it reappears, it's an invitation into an initiation for a new level of growth and healing. And that growth and healing does not happen overnight.

It's a process of integrating new ways of being through responding in a new way. And so every time it's like I figure out one more piece of the puzzle, okay, that didn't work. So what's something more supportive, more empowering?

How can I soften more to life, instead of becoming hardened and hiding and resistant? How can I be more surrendered and accepting of what is in order to allow it to shape me in a positive way? And sometimes it can feel very overwhelming to feel like it's blow after blow and barely come up for air before you're knocked over again.

So developing emotional resilience has been so key. And when I say emotional resilience, it's this journey of learning how to hold myself through these difficult times. How to be with the feelings that are coming up without making them wrong, without making myself wrong, for having that experience, for feeling what I'm feeling.

Instead, having compassion for myself, and saying to myself, like, yeah, I get that. It's understandable why you would be feeling that way. I allow you to have this feeling without judgment, without shame, without making it wrong.

And then saying to myself, what can I do? How can I help you to move through this? What would be supportive for you?

And recognizing that a lot of challenges, you know, that I face are due to unhealed parts in me. You know, this inner child that I have within myself that is still afraid of certain experiences. And so she keeps re-creating, you know, her co-creating with the universe opportunities to move through these things in a new way, in order to heal.

So this is the process that's really been helping me. First, recognizing that this isn't my first rodeo. I've been through plenty of challenges in life before.

And guess what? I've come out the other side. And every time I enter into a new one, I have this idea that like, oh my god, this is my demise.

This is it. How am I going to make it through this? But then, like I said, having that evidence of my past experiences now, all stacked up as proof that as painful as each of these experiences is, in the end, when I look back in retrospect, I can see that it was actually the best thing for me.

That can be really hard to do. I can be really hard to glean that perspective of I have been through something difficult before and I can do it again. So just recognizing that and acknowledging that you can do it, you've done it before, and you can do it again.

Next, understanding that every challenge is an invitation. It's an opportunity and disguise that's beckoning me to change and shift in how I respond. Instead of doing the same things I've always done before, going down that same road of self-inflicted punishment and self-pity and beating myself up, that I'm being asked to put into practice a new set of responses.

And to remember that sometimes there has to be a breakdown in order to get to the breakthrough. So my typical response to adversity has been shame spiraling, isolating, beating myself up, going into overdrive to make something different happen, or becoming completely paralyzed and unable to make myself do anything at all. Does anyone else have the proclivity to experience a freeze or fawn response?

Because I go in either of those directions. And after moving through what seems to be one challenge after another on repeat for about three years now, I'm finally noticing my own pattern and creating a new set of responses. This new set of responses is based on that evidence of all my past experiences, that whatever I'm moving through is for my highest good.

And having this perspective, it gives me a sense of gratitude and curiosity around what it's meant to teach me. And it helps me to remember to not take myself so seriously. So this new response involves, instead of freezing or fawning, moving at a slower pace so I can reflect on the experience.

So I can take a step back and see the bigger picture. Okay, I've been here before. I recognize this.

This is not the first time I have had this experience. What is it that I'm meant to get out of this? What is it trying to teach me?

Instead of shame spiraling, I'm accepting that there's a part of me that wants to have this experience. That inner child who is looking for that healing, this unconscious part of me that has a desire that's being met through this experience. What is that?

What is it that wants to heal? What is it that wants to become conscious? And since having is evidence of wanting, I cannot deny that there's a part of me that is getting what she wants through the challenge.

Instead of beating myself up, I'm being with my feelings and self-soothing, asking myself, what feeling does this situation evoke in me? When else have I had the experience of this feeling? How old was I?

And I'm being with that part of myself, showing her that at one point in your life, that may have been true, but you're no longer a helpless little child. You are a fully grown adult now with agency, and you can choose a different response. Instead of isolating myself, I'm reaching out and talking to people about my experience.

I'm allowing myself to be supported by my friends, my family. I was so concerned about maintaining this illusion that I have it all together. And no, everything's fine.

I'm good. I'm good. No, no, no. Let's not worry about me. What's going on with you? How can I support you?

And it's been so freeing to allow myself to be witnessed, to admit that I'm moving through a really fucking hard time right now, and I could use a friend. I just need to get this off my chest. I need to talk about this with someone.

And I'm not expecting you to solve it for me. I'm not expecting you to fix my situation or rescue me from it. I just want to be witnessed in it.

And there's something so powerful about allowing yourself to be witnessed in your pain. When I've felt uncertain about which direction to take because this challenge or obstacle is like really confronting me and feeling like impassable, like I cannot move around it or through it, I am learning to just be still. Instead of frantically throwing shit at the wall, like, oh my god, I have to figure this out.

I'm putting all of that mental pressure on myself. I'm learning to sit in it in order to allow the clarity to come to me. And that clarity cannot come to me until I've been with my feelings.

Because emotions are energy. They are moving through me. They are showing me something.They are telling me a story about who I am and where I need to heal. Being really consistent with my self-care. And for me, that looks like my morning meditation, connecting with my guides and my spirit team and asking for help, saying, like, I don't know how to move through this.

I don't know what to do. Help me. And then trusting that I am being supported, that things are happening even if I cannot see it.

Trusting that when I put that request out, the solution is already working itself out on my behalf. I've had to get clear on what it is that I want to experience instead of the current challenge. If I say, I don't like this situation, and yet I'm having this situation, what do I want instead?

Getting clear on that, and then making a plan to create that experience for myself. And then finally, and this is probably the most challenging bit of it all, but allowing myself to continue to experience pleasure and enjoyment in life amidst the adversity. Owning that is my birthright to enjoy my life.

Instead of holding this attitude that pleasure and enjoyment have to be earned, and that I have to be productive and work hard and beat myself into submission in order to make the things I want to have happen happen, and then I've earned the opportunity to enjoy myself. I think there's something so deeply profound in seeing myself in the midst of a personal crisis, and not allowing it to steal my joy. And that can be so fucking hard.

And yes, of course, I move through that pain and frustration, and oh my God, what is happening, and why, and how can I, you know, all of the things, the normal things that we think, that we feel when confronted with something. But then to feel through it, and put it aside, and remind myself that I can still be open to life. I can still do the things that feel good to me.

And in doing so, it makes the experience of moving through the adversity so much sweeter, so much more palatable. And it honestly feels like this, this like act of defiance against this programming around, unless you have your shit together, you don't deserve to enjoy life. This like idea that only people who are experiencing success on all levels get to enjoy themselves.

And that's so untrue, because I've met lots of people who seem to be experiencing so much success and yet still cannot enjoy their lives. So this idea that enjoying life, despite your outward circumstances, is really like a superpower. And I can learn to enjoy my circumstances at this level, where I am right here and now.

Like, how much greater could that be when things are going my way? So I hope this is helpful to you and gives you some perspective, a shift in how you move through challenging circumstances, how you see adversity. It gives you some useful tools to not feel so defeated by life, and instead allow yourself to be open to the experience in order to grow and experience healing.

KEY POINTS COVERED

• why challenges are really opportunities in disguise
• what to do when you're feeling defeated by life
• how to support yourself through adversity 
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If you have questions or feedback, I'd love to hear from you. You can DM me on Instagram @high.vibe.heather.

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